Washing Machine Directory Surpasses 500 Verified Clean Slates Ahead of Schedule
The milestone was celebrated with a ribbon-cutting ceremony, a press release, and zero mentions of what was actually being cleaned.
The ribbon-cutting ceremony, attended by everyone except the question 'clean of what?'
The Political Washing Machine Directory today announced it has surpassed 500 verified clean slates, hitting the milestone a full quarter ahead of its original projection and prompting a small ribbon-cutting ceremony that featured cake, a brass band, and a press release that, on close reading, does not once specify what exactly was being washed.
"We're incredibly proud," said the Directory's founder, standing beside a novelty oversized washing machine prop. "Five hundred cases, fully processed, fully certified, and — I cannot stress this enough — fully within the realm of what's normal and fine."
Internal data shared at the event shows an average 'stain severity' of cases dropping from 'critical' to 'gold standard groom' in under 48 hours, a turnaround time the Directory's chief engineer described as 'basically instant, like a rinse cycle for reputations.'
Consumer watchdogs have asked, repeatedly, what the machine actually does. The Directory's official FAQ addresses this with a single line: "Some questions are better left un-asked, much like some cases are better left un-reopened."
The next milestone, a spokesperson confirmed, is 1,000 clean slates, a target the Directory expects to hit ahead of schedule as well, largely because scheduling, like everything else here, is flexible.
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